pixie0090

 Last night, josh and i planned a little dinner date. We were suppose to make chicken alfredo, and watch movies and stuff.  I was really looking forward to it. It was his night off, and i was going to get off early. 

Well, i text him at like ten minutes before i got off and headed home. He didn't reply. Then i text him when i was home. Again, he didn't reply.  I waited, and waited, and waited all night it seemed. I painted my toes, i took shower, did laundry, i read two chapters in my book.  I went to sleep at midnight.  He did come home like 30 minutes later and he apologized. It just really hurt my feelings that i was not more important to him that getting stoned. He was so fucking high on KB, that i doubt he even knew i was crying. The last thing he said, before i went to sleep was, "im so stoned, ha ha ha " insert here the smokers laugh. Hard to tell that he was really feeling bad for bascially standing me up.  I really would like it if today he did something to let me know how special i am to him.  I don't need much, just a little note, or even a text.  I would still like to try to do the date again tonight, but i doubt he will. He makes it clear, over and over and over, pot is most important to him.  He does whatever he needs to, in order to get smoke. Why the fuck aren't I worth that same effort too? UGH !!!

 im feeling crazy right now......im still at work until 6. then i plan to go get a new book and then go home to read and curl up until josh comes home at like 11 or so.....we talked some yesterday and i really only feel worse. like now, he knows im crazy and he knows im fucked up in the head. he knows that i am full of anxiety and low self esteem, but he probably didn't know i was near suicidal and thinking like this. i guess he does now. I mean i don't know what i expect him to do, really i just want him to know. He sees me everyday, he makes love to me, he is my boyfriend and i figured he can help best as anyone else. Of course now, there is like this big elephant in the room....Great

I wish i knew how to say what is wrong but i don't !!!

I know i don't make any sense to anyone, but i really want for someone to just reach out and say Hey i been there, you'll be fine, everyone goes through this. Instead i get, I don't understand. UGH so frustrating. I can't wait until i feel normal again. Ha and to think i thought all my problems were josh, this one has nothing to do with him really. nothing at all. Well in truth part of Not Feeling I Belong, is bc i am the only one who doesn't drink/somke/at all the parties and such we go to. HHHMMM i just had a part revelation.

 my mom had a stroke yesterday. She is in the hospital. i miss her so much right now. i don't even know what to do. i can't be there every minute of course, because i have to work. I hate it. I have to work. I pawned my grandmas earrings yesterday to pay my elec bill i am so broke right now. I am going to see her again tomorrow after work, and i am going to call her this afternoon. i feel so wierd right now. i am technically at work and doing work, but i can't remember what ive done. i don't know what to do next, i can't really even see i am lost in thought. ugh i need to fight. Fight  to now b/p fight to not cut. Hate this day.

So, Im doing it, I am finally posting to the purg....dun dun dun....well i have been reading this comm daily for around 3 years now and i love it. You ladies (and gents) are lovely.  I do reply sometimes and have sent out emails to some of you. Anyway,  wow that headline sounds really pathetic.  it's true, though, i do need some lovely friends like you gals here at the purg.  I live in the south, ugh!!  I work at a local radio station doing anything they will let me do mostly remotes and events and stuff. I also work part-time as a waitress, which is basically free binge time. oh yea.   So anyway, i just wanted to say hi i guess. i won't post stats partly bc its rude unless under a cut and partly bc well if i was comfortable with myself i probably wouldn't be here so yea. Have a great day gals. love ya  918-798-3440